The fallacy of self-sacrifice
We're taught it's a holy thing, but self-abnegation is anything but.
Last week in my essay "Being Driven" I talked about being driven by work, by passion, by a mission, etc. etc. I also talked about how being driven always seems to end up poorly. No matter how altruistic the goal, no matter how frequently exciting and sometimes fulfilling that path may seem, it usually ends up being an exhausting and ultimately depleting way of living life.
The rewards, more often than not, come at too high a personal price.
That there's a whole other layer to being driven—a foundational mindset I didn't have time to get into last week—I wanted to bring up today. And that's the concept of self-sacrifice.
An odd idea
I'm not talking about the stunningly noble, unthinking impulse that impels someone to risk their life to save a child from drowning or step into the path of a bullet to save a comrade. I'm talking about the self-sacrifice program that says it's better (holier?) to make others happy then to be happy yourself. That it's better to care for others than to care for yourself.
There's a reason stewardesses on planes tell people before takeoff, "In case of an emergency, be sure to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping children."
If you're incapacitated, there's no way you can help others.
And yet from a very early age onwards, most people (both West and East) have the idea drilled into them that self-sacrifice is the best way to be of service. It's like it's the ultimate spiritual ideal in life. Something to strive towards and feel proud about, like getting a medal. But when I think about it, most people who are truly self-sacrificing are some of the bitterest, most unhappy, most unattractively self-righteous, ineffective people I've met ever.
A long history
If self-sacrifice so often leads to misery and eventually ends up making us less effective when it comes to being there for others, how in the world did we come to believe that self-sacrifice as a lifestyle is such a great thing?
I think it all started with the idea that we are miserable, unworthy creatures—creations that God botched up and forgot to fix. This overall impoverished assessment of humanity has been pressed to us for thousands of years—long before Augustine of Hippo introduced the concept of original sin into Christian theology around 360 AD.
Back then, almost universally, people believed they must grovel in order to please God so He might have pity upon them and allow them entry into "heaven." Unfortunately, uncounted millions of people still believe that to this day.
What better way to grovel and be pleasing to God than to sacrifice our oh-so-worthless selves?
We must sacrifice our bodies to serve Him. Sacrifice ours lives for another. Sacrifice what we love most, as in Abraham's near-sacrifice of his favorite son Isaac, to show the depth of our Godly devotion and our potential for redemption.
Sacrifice our dreams in order to please our mother or father, husband or wife. Sacrifice our wellbeing working three jobs in order to make sure everybody else in the family is safe and secure. Sacrifice our career interests in order to pursue a more secure job. Sacrifice our knowingness, our intuition, our common sense, our health, and possibly our lives by accepting untested pharmaceutical injections into our bodies for the "safety of others."
It's just the righteous thing to do! Right?
Doing life differently
Going back to last week's essay about relentlessly driving myself in order to help wake people up ... I have to say, it all sounded and felt oh-so right for oh-so long because my choosing an over-worked lifestyle was all for "the good." I might feel like crap sometimes. I might be seriously harming my posture, my spine, my eyesight, overworking my left-brain (and my derrière!) at the computer day and night. I might be missing out on life in general. But I felt proud. Even (truth be told) a little exalted because of my sacrifice.
But now?
Now I'm thinking "How do I help build this New World without depleting myself in the process? How do I care without bleeding out? How do I do this differently?" Which last question is actually the whole point.
We want to do life differently, don't we?
We want to build a New World that supports humanity, community, respect, joy, mutual growth, aliveness, creativity, equality, laughter, lightheartedness, love, abundance, and more. Isn't self-love instead of self-sacrifice a radical part of doing life differently?
Questionable history
If there's any truth to the ancient spiritual teachings about the Oneness of All Things. If there's any truth to quantum physics that tells us everything is connected. If there's any truth to the old saying that "What you do to others (and the Earth) you do to yourself" ... then isn't it also true that what I do to myself I do to others? That what I do to myself I do to the Earth and all living things?
If I beat myself up. If I abuse my body. If I deny my value, am I not adding to the already fearsome burdens of the world? If I sacrifice the sweetness of my own life and value myself less than others ... what message am I putting out to the universe?
Yes, there are those who might say, "But Jesus said 'It's more blessed to give than to receive.'" And to that, all I can say is: Really? He actually said that? I have no idea. I wasn't around at the time. But if he was anywhere near as awake as I think he was, it's highly unlikely he would say such a thing.
Giving and receiving is a beautiful example of balance and flow ... the dance of life itself. Just receiving (selfishness) or just giving (self-sacrifice) are unbalanced conditions destined to fail.
It's only common sense that if I "give until it hurts" there's less and less available within me to give. After all, even the most seemingly inexhaustible spring runs dry eventually. And when that happens, then where are we?
I may not know what Jesus said about such things. But what I do know is that if I love myself ... if I truly value my self ... if I value life ... if I value beauty and grace and support these things in myself with all my heart, I'm adding to the pure wellspring of love that can only spill over to nourish others.
And if we all did that ... if we all loved ourselves and put that vibe out into the world, what an amazing place this would be.
Much love and aloha ~
Cate
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About Cate Montana
A professional journalist specializing in alternative medicine and health, Cate is the author of several other books, including Unearthing Venus: My Search for the Woman Within [Watkins 2013], and The E Word, Ego Enlightenment & Other Essentials [Atria 2017], and a spiritual novel titled Apollo & Me. She has a master’s degree in psychology, and is a highly informative and compelling speaker and guest on radio and TV shows and podcasts. She is very grateful to be able to say she lives in Hawaii.
For more information www.catemontana.com
Thank you for your post. You make a very good point. My wife has in many ways sacrificed her own self to try and please others, but that is not loving oneself. She is working through this with talking therapy.
The two greatest commandments were to in essence Love God and ones' neighbour as oneself.. We cannot love others unless we love ourselves in the sense of looking after our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
As regards giving and receiving it was Paul the apostle who said that Jesus said 'It's more blessed to give than to receive.' although it is not also recorded in the gospels.
But it must be more of a blessing to give as we gain from the need to give and the pleasure that we receive in seeing people being happy to receive whatever is given (assuming they are of course!).
But it is still necessary to receive as our needs must be met and we give others the pleasure of letting them give to us.
Ultimately if we all only received and did not give no one would actually receive, so it has to be more blessed to give and this spreads the love as it were.
This is so important, and you've presented a great counter-argument to "it is more blessed to give than to receive," and the deep programming of thousands of years that deters us from self-care and self-love. I recently saw an energy healer who said one of the strongest energies she felt in me was that I live from obligation and self-sacrifice. This was not exactly news to me, but to hear it put so starkly was a wake-up. I can easily identify where that message has come to me in my own life, but I believe there is also ancestral and perhaps soul-lineage influence in that direction too. I think many or even most of us have some of that in our lineages.
I am delighted to find your substack and read your take on "the matrix" and your interpretation of what is going on right now. (And as a former journalist, I celebrate your work in that context too!) Wondering if you are aware of Oracle Girl. Just asking because much of what you say resonates with her work. And, by the way, I found you this morning via Franklin O'Kanu's post from today highlighting and analyzing your recent response to a Robert Malone posting.