How the spiritual ego and the subconscious mind trip us up

The Power to Manifest - Part 8

I used to wonder why I would read the biographies of deep-thinking philosophers like Jean Paul Sartre and authors like Falkner and Hemingway, Dorothy Parker, and F. Scott Fitzgerald—people I put high on a pedestal as evolved thinkers—only to discover that they struggled terribly with drugs, alcohol and other addictions.

Eventually I figured out that their addictions were driven by their sensitivity and subsequent horror at their keen insights into the morass that is the human condition. That and the even worse fact that they didn't have any genuine answers on how to escape the matrix of misery any more than the characters in their books and novels.

But then I advanced into the spirituality and self-help arenas and discovered the same dynamic at play.

Feet of clay

I'm not going to name names. But many spiritual teachers and channels I've run across spout amazing high truths on stage, sounding like they have the answers to everything. And then I know or hear about what is in play behind the scenes. How these gurus' personal lives are falling apart from drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, sexual perversions—you name it.

I remember trying to rationalize the guru Rajneesh's excesses, such as his collection of 93 Rolls-Royces. Hmmmmm, I thought. It’s obviously a finger pointing at the grotesque materialism of humanity while at the same time offering the lesson that having stuff is "okay." And all the sex? Well, it’s obviously a lesson designed to show people it’s okay to be a sexual being.

It was a slap in the face of the Church with its perverted teachings of celibacy. A refreshing open door embracing the beauty of the human body and the physical world.

But the drugs? To the point of his inability to function? Um ... except for conspiracy talk about the CIA drugging and poisoning the popular guru known as Osho, I couldn't wrap my head around it.

The final straw came when a famous (and at that point very married) New Age teacher patted me on the ass and made an oblique pass at me. And that was it. I had to figure out what the hell these kinds of "say one thing do another" dynamics were all about.

The subconscious

It's a strange thing, but true:

Ninety-five percent of human actions and decisions are made subconsciously ... or, at the very least, they are driven by subconscious material.

Which means we think we have our shit together and know what's what ... and we don't.

This explains a LOT about humanity and our current social condition. I would even hazard to say that the more we think we have our shit together and know what's what, the less it's actually true.

My first intimation into this situation came sometime around 1994. I was in a spiritual community aggressively focused upon attaining higher consciousness and, ultimately, ascension. (Yes, like Jesus. Just without the crucifixion and death part.)

I was madly meditating morning, noon and night. I was reading spiritual books, like The Brother of the Third Degree and The Red Lion. My constant thoughts were about reincarnation, soul evolution, and the various levels of etheric bodies. I was constantly practicing lucid dreaming, astral projection and other kinds of out-of-body travel.

All my friends were in the same spiritual community, engaging in the same practices. All our conversations were about the same spiritual topics. Whether it was a chance meeting in the grocery story, an impromptu lunch or dinner at someone's house, it was the same subjects, over and over again.

This constant spiritual focus assured me—at the conscious level—that I was a highly advanced spiritual being. I was the one in a million person who was actually "getting it." Most of us were smugly convinced we would be Ascended Masters and "outta here" by the turn of the century.

Grandiose. Yes. Delusional. Yes.

I know that now. But not back then.

It wasn't until the year 2000 came and went that I began to question the program. I and all my friends were still mucking around on planet Earth. We all still wrestled with money issues, relationship problems, and career issues. Many of my friends were turning into alcoholics, drinking a lot of wine because we were told by a spiritual teacher that Jesus drank wine and it "dropped the veils" obscuring the truths about life, God and Everything.

Many went at this new avenue of spiritual enlightenment with a will. I mean, drink your way to enlightenment? Who could ask for anything more?

Never mind the wine diminished people's ability to function, hold a job and take responsibility for life. On top of that, by then, everybody in my community (myself included) had read Eckhart Tolle's book, The Power of Now. Which meant most of us floated around focused on "being in the now."

Which in many people's minds (fogged as they were) meant if they didn't feel like showing up for work that day or a doctor's appointment or lunch ... well, it was a spiritual decision made from a Higher State of Consciousness.

You know?

Two realities

As I looked around at the havoc all these spiritual beliefs (and all the booze) were wrecking on so many people's lives, I took pause. And that's when it hit me:

Thinking about spiritual subjects and engaging in spiritual practices doesn't mean you've EMBODIED higher consciousness.

All the stuff I was obsessed with was simply engaging and occupying the five percent of conscious awareness available to me. And this conscious absorption with spiritual matters had become my whole life.

In this manner, I built up a spiritual persona. A spiritual ego that thought it was awakened. That thought it was better than "regular people" who didn't have such high-minded, spiritual thoughts and interests.

Can you say "sobering?"

I was dumbfounded by the gap between thinking about spiritual topics and pursuing spiritual advancement and actual spiritual growth.

They were two completely different realities.

Basically I had created a situation where I had a spiritual ego “me” thinking "I am an enlightened being. See how much I know!" plastered atop my normal human ego shouting "I am a weak, powerless, physical being that needs to be famous and make a lot of money to feel safe and secure in this scary world."

With this insight, suddenly all those famous spiritual teachers with feet of clay made total sense. They intellectually knew a LOT of spiritual truths. They knew a LOT of practices they could teach. They said they knew how to manifest. They talked the talk and taught the talk and were idolized by millions and made a ton of money.

All of which convinced them they were advanced spiritual beings who totally "got it" and were walking the walk.

Meanwhile, the ninety-five percent of unprocessed, unexamined subconscious material was infiltrating their feelings and thoughts, choices and actions, creating all sorts of potentially unhealthy situations and relationships.

Getting real

Of course, this was the exact same situation that I faced. And most my friends as well.

It wasn't until COVID, when I started investigating the nature of evil, trying to figure out what I wasn't seeing about life—investigating what is hidden in the world and in myself—that I started addressing deeply shadowed subconscious material ... material that, once evoked, revealed shocking levels of abuse I'd been subjected to as a child.

Equally shocking was finally becoming aware of the poisonous effects these compartmentalized and forgotten experiences were still having on my life.

Sure, I'd always known my parents were alcoholics and emotionally unavailable. And sure, I was aware that verbal violence had dominated my family home. But I'd pushed it aside, making excuses like, "Oh, it wasn't that bad." Or, "At least I wasn't physically abused." Or "They did the best they could." Or "Hey, I've done 20,000 hours of meditation. I'm over it."

Thing is, it actually was that bad. I actually was physically abused. And I most certainly wasn't "over it."

For most of my life, unprocessed terror has driven me out of my body, out of my feeling nature and into the mind for safe refuge. Psychic contracts to "keep silent" —to keep the rage and anguish tamped down out of sight—have created migraines and other physical ailments, like ever-increasing pain in my low back and hips. The betrayal by family members has damaged my ability to trust love. Has driven me into spiritual pursuits focused on getting out of my body and out of this world.

Subconscious issues have dominated the relationships I chose. My career path. My competition with men. My strong tendency to isolate. And all this has been going on and on and on, unrecognized, for decades.

Shining a light in the dark

Has it been easy deciding to dive into the deep end of the pain pool to discover what lies there? Uh … no.

At my age, starting to deeply address childhood issues seemed embarrassing and unnecessary at first. I mean, come on! What about all that meditation? It must have done some good! And all those books I’d written? For heavens sake, why would I put myself through a ton of shadow work at this late stage of the game? 

But I am.

And, no surprise, it has often been a hard and shocking journey.

But here’s the thing … as heretofore unknown material keeps arising, as more and more fractured soul parts are retrieved, as more and more occurrences in my life begin to make sense—more and more life energy is being freed up out of the dark prison of the past.

I can honestly say that doing this work, I’m feeling younger. I’m becoming softer, gentler, more loving and compassionate, more sensitive and much more psychic. I am becoming less isolated, more engaged with people and life. My body is feeling better. Lighter.

Real profound embodied change is happening at last.

Uncovering the shadow

Which (finally) brings me around to the power to manifest and a simple question:

How in God's name can a person be expected to consistently manifest anything, let alone a fabulous, abundant, healthy life, with 95 percent of their thoughts, choices and actions being run by subconscious material?

Socrates is quoted as stating, "The unexamined life is not worth living." To that I would add something along the lines of, "Unexamined triggers, pain, and accompanying shadow material guarantee you're living a life that's not really even your own."

Teachers of manifestation classes teach meditation. They teach creative visualization and how to make lists. They teach about brain plasticity and positive thinking. They employ biofeedback. They talk about rewiring the brain by being more aware of thoughts and changing them mid-stream. They teach re-languaging and coach people to catch and negate limiting thoughts and emotions.

But then the class is over and everybody goes home and the negative thoughts and emotions keep on coming.

Why?

Because it's all about the mind. People haven't been taught how to address underlying subconscious issues causing the limiting thoughts and emotions in the first place.

They haven’t been taught about the unseen forces that prey upon us and their negative effects. They haven’t been shown how to heal and embody love.

The whole world is in the same pickle barrel. Lost in the mental realm, overwhelmed by data and ever-increasing stimuli, denying and bypassing the darkness, desperately clinging to false identities, insisting “I’m okay, I’m okay. I’m okay” … we cannot evolve and grow.

We cannot thrive.

Is diving into the dark fun? No. Is discovering you haven't been aware of a vast number of damaging occurrences in your life easy to accept? Hell no. Is discovering that people who supposedly loved you abused you? Absolutely not.

But is continuing to live in ignorance, acting out—and thus living out—unhealed wounds a better option?

I guess that’s up to each one of us to decide.

Much love and aloha ~

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About Cate Montana

I’m a professional journalist specializing in alternative medicine and health, and the author of several books, including Unearthing Venus: My Search for the Woman Within [Watkins 2013], and The E Word, Ego Enlightenment & Other Essentials [Atria 2017], and a spiritual novel titled Apollo & Me. I have a master’s degree in psychology. A lot of TV, radio and podcast show hosts as well as listeners around the world have told me I’m an interesting and informative—even compelling—speaker. To which I say “Thank you.” Talking is something I enjoy doing even more than writing! (It’s more immediate and connected.)

I am extremely blessed to have been called to Maui and grateful every day to awaken here.

For more information you can reach me at www.catemontana.com and info@catemontana.com